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| Moved! :)
http://www.xanga.com/recondite_puzzle
Add me cause I'm lazy to add you.
With the exception of vince since I was talking to him when I was making that account and he demaded that I add him or he was going to cut himself.
Toodles.
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| WOW, it shows how long I haven't been on xanga for.... the subscription pages are different! Okay, it hasn't been that long. My last post was just about a week ago.
I honestly should be sleeping, catching the Zzzz's before I miss them all, but I'm far too distracted. I hate the computer, if I could... I'd avoid it. However, I make up excuses and say I gotta do this and do that. (which is true cause I've gotta send stuff to my partner for this presentation on friday)
Yet I've got too much on my mind. It's been too long since I've last post something meaningful. A good long rant on life.
With the U-life and work, time seems to go by so fast, I don't even know where it goes. I'm definitely enjoying this; I get more freedom and partying but I'm lacking the satisfaction. Contradictory? Very much so. What I mean is... life goes and goes and goes, I'm enjoying, but I don't get the chance to sit back and dwell upon how good it was. I'm not satisfied... maybe that's why I'm unmotivated at this moment.
Where'd my motivation to do all these things go? It comes and goes.
Anyways, enough about my pleasurable life.
I've got fifteen minutes to rant away.
School! Oh my gosh, I can't believe how hectic it is. I'm seriously not understanding how much work it is. The impact hasn't hit me yet. I've got a midterm (which btw, I should be studying for right now...) in two days. I've got a presentation this friday. On top of that, my stupid geo class is making me do reading summaries. And she has pop quizzes too! That's harsh asking me to fail. It's not even funny how much stress I'm gonna be going through when I have like 3 midterms in a week, two in a day, the last one on the next day. Oh, I forgot to mention my paper abstract thing is do too. Obviously I can't forget the reading, quiz, and hwk that I've still got to do during that time. WHY don't we have a reading break? This semester has been hectic. I want a new job =(
Speaking of work! I'm right at the edge. I can't stand that job so much anymore. I used to love it! Until it's all about slacking. Honestly... you wouldn't believe how little work gets done on a daily basis. Once one person slacks, everyone does... it's a whole chain effect. That's what I'm talking about! No motivation. If I know no one is there working with me, I don't feel motivated to work. I'm not as excited to work as I was before. I'm honestly going to quit this job sometime soon. I was thinking maybe the summer time or something... but no. I just can't do it. Either quit being a navi or work at customer service. If not, I'll find a better job. Haha I'm awesome at hook ups. You guys don't understand, I miss actual work. Although it may be tiring and all, at least you can smile and say that you got a lot accomplished that day. Yea I don't know, I guess I need jobs where I'm doing something most of the time. Sitting and chilling in the naviroom the whole day doesn't cut it.
I've become so different after high school has ended. For the better, worse? Oh, I honestly don't know. There are some things I want to say, but I can't and I won't. Obviously I will be judged for it.
There are somethings that I just don't understand. WHY? I can't stand to be burdened like this. I know that I don't have to let it burden me, but I can't just do what I want. I don't get why I let this happen to me though. I wish I could go back in time and redo the things I did and correct my "mistakes".
12am. Night kids.
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| I honestly should be in bed, but I felt like blogging.
Online & offline personality.
I was talking to eileen a few days ago about how people are online and offline. We agreed that there were some people that stayed pretty much the same both places they go to. (Speaking of places... and space, it's so wickedly awesome I'm doing social geo, it's all on that stuff.) Then there are people that are different in either places, carrying a different personality.
For myself, I KNOW I'm totally different. I'm different even right now. I blog differently than when I am talking on msn or when I'm emailing someone. It also depends on who I'm emailing.
I don't know why we're talking about this, I just found it interesting to touch upon.
Another conversation brought up was at work. We talked about our lives. We talked about when we will get married and grow up.
It's honestly frightening to think about it. Nothing is certain, it's all potential plans. In three years I'm gonna be graduated.I hope to continue on school in the PDP program. At that time I will either have a boyfriend, or look for one? (Oh gosh, I hope I don't have to look. God'll bring him to me =) I plan to get a job as a teacher and do the ecce cert. at capilano? Maybe. After that, I will get married, and have my first kid before thirty.
It's all dreams. What will actually happen is a blur. Nothing will be for certain.
I don't even know why I feel this way about you. I guess it's just all a phase. I went through this with all of them. I feel so bad even talking about it. But I can't put my foot down on why I'm like this. I never thought about it that way before, but all of a sudden, the world turns. The situation is different, and I view things differently. I guess if I tried to analyze this, it would be that I was trying to make it better by being this way. I want it to be the way it was before this all happened. I guess I'm not like him, I can't take it so well. It bothers me so much! If I think back, I've treated them all like that.
Haha now, I'm just going in a loop. Not being able to speak out fully and still trying to make sense. Oh man, I'm so good at this vaugness stuff.
>> haha I wonder if you're changing because I said something.
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| Let's redo this, and start all over.
Before the conference, I was so stoked for the workshops I chose. Well the one about missions in Africa anyways.
Ever since grade 7, after reading Lurlene Mcdaniel books, I've had this weight on my heart to go Africa, and maybe specifically Uganda (can't remember if that's because the girl was in uganda... or it was the other books I read that were in Uganda. Nonetheless, I wanted to go Africa). I remember each time I read something about African people, generally African children, I would cry. I cry because they go through so much. I cry because they're so strong. African children breaks my heart.
When I see them, I completely stop doing everything; even stop breathing. They bring my back to reality. They remind me of how the world really is.
You won't believe how mind blowing some of these things could be. I bet you didn't even know that Africa is like... North America, South America, and China? (I just remember it was like three continents all put together) all stuck together. That is how BIG Africa really is.
Have you actually read stories on what their lives are like? Have you ever tried to put yourselves in their shoes?
Whenever I do that, I get so scared. It aches my heart to know what they go through. My heart screams to go and help them. With all my heart, I want to be in Africa.
The workshop there however, did not exactly have what I was looking for. It was more .... informal than experience. I wanted to taste what Africa was like. However, I guess it did reawaken my hunger to be in Africa. They showed me that it WAS possible to go there. It WAS possible to be helping out. It's not the dream I had... but you gotta start little. You can't just jump right in and save lives (oh how I wish I could do that), you start by building relationships and understanding people.
I'm SO thankful that I took anthropology. It taught me to look at culture, and relook again. It made me question the norm, and dig deep. It taught me to not just try and understand right off the bat and say that's how they are, but to ask why first.
I remember talking to Eileen and Alyssa on the bus ride home, and Alyssa asked us a question. I actually forgot the question, haha, but it was something along the lines of, how are you going to get closer to God?
I said I needed to change my attitude. I haven't yet. It actually makes me mad on different levels.
I'm angry that I treat my parent better. I can't have a better attitude.
Yet, I'm justified with how I treat those I have issues with. I can't bear to make the first move. I can't bear to always make the effort. I keep telling myself that I've done so much, why do I still keep doing it. But God's tearing me down man. This is who I am. Why am I fighting to be someone different, someone who I'm not?
I know I'm changing as a whole person, I'm not going to deny that. But I'm changing into two different people. A part of me has so much anger, and the other part of me has so much love. I know deep down though, I'm all soft. I've given myself situations where I would say one thing, but my actions would be the other. I'm not as tough as I say I am.
So here I go, I'm off to change and be who I am. Wish me luck!
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| 2007, it's been one heck of a ride.
There have been so many ups and downs. I think this is the year where I've probably grown the most. Both good and bad.
It's unbelievable now that I think about it... I've been through SO many friendship crap. No seriously. It's not just one person, but 5 hundred million. Yea, if I had that many..haha getting there! Haha networking man, networking.
It was just things all happening one after another. But at the end of the day, I'm reminded that there are many more people out there than just those people. The slap me, and wake me up to reality.
Those were mainly my downs. I ain't got not boy to be down about! LOL. I'm glad.. this single life is fun. You get away with things...certain things.
And of course, the many ups, it's beyond fingers and toes counting. WAY beyond. Yea there have been regrets... like that wasted grad night... I bet you that was the saddest grad night in all of history. But it's not the regrets... it's everything else that gets your heart racing and face busting a muscle from smiling so much.
Man. I'm sick, and I don't know where I'm going with this any more. I should sleep...haha.
I've been getting SO many facebook msgs....... ugh. I haven't deleted them... my inbox has like... 5 million inbox msgs..Okay not that much...more like 3000something. I shall update tomorrow!
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